High Score Arcade

CLICK MEE!!! I'M A BETTER EXCERPT!?

ok; this is a better excerpt than LAST time. this is from a DIFFERENT book. tell me if i' an ok writer or not: I’m sitting in the back of the classroom, watching a couple of guys goof off by throwing spitballs into the hair of their buddy in front of them. It is amusing for a little while, until the killjoy algebra teacher notices them. “Ramirez!” he barks. Guy #1 looks at the teacher. “Yes?” “What, may I ask, are you doing?” the teacher seems really pissed off. Guy #1 looks at Guy #2, who is looking at his desk like he has never seen wood before. “Both of you, report here after school,” Killjoy growls. They got Detention. That bites. Then the teacher goes on and on about how “respecting the teacher and the class means being obedient and attentive, blah, blah, blah.” “This is lame.” I say, and get up and walk out of the room. The reason I can just walk out of class without anyone noticing isn’t complicated. I’m not a student here at this school. I used to be, but that all changed a couple years ago. No, I don’t work here. See, the reason I can do whatever I want at this school is simple. I’m dead. For some stupid reason I’m stuck in school. Really, I have to spend the rest of eternity in one place and it’s school? Why couldn’t I die in the movie theatre? Or the video arcade? Or the Playboy mansion? Why am I dead? And why don’t I care as much as I should? Fascinating questions. The reason I’m dead is stupid Richard (Dick) Jerkins. Has a name that suits him. Dick didn’t kill me on purpose; he was just stupid, is all. Not that it was entirely his fault. I also blame traffic coordinators and drivers who talk on their cell phones. There’s a law against it for a reason, people! See, I wasn’t the most popular kid in school….okay, I was a downright outcast. Not like I did anything wrong, I was just shy, and spent a lot of time online. I had more fingers than friends. Okay, I had one friend. So sue me. So stupid Dick took every opportunity to mess with me. Lord knows why I was the lucky winner. Maybe because I didn’t let him cheat off of me during final exams last year, and he had to go to summer school. Either way, Dick always picked on me. It didn’t scar me or anything; it was just so damn annoying. This particular day, Dick decided to steal my hat as I entered the cafeteria. Simple, yet still bothersome. “Hey, Dick-wad, gimme my hat.” I ordered. “Aw, do you want your hat back, Andy? Come on, you have to try harder than that!” he sneered. I rolled my eyes. Was I really going to give him the satisfaction of teasing me like that? But that was my favorite cap, and I didn’t want him to burn it or something. While Dick held up my hat, and I reached for it, I let down my guard behind me, which proved to be a big mistake. One of Dick’s buddies grabbed around my hips and pulled down my jeans. And my boxers went down with them. Yep, they pantsed me in front of the whole school. There was a collective gasp, and everyone’s eyes widened. Then the whole cafeteria burst into laughter. Nice. The first thing I did was pull up my pants. I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. I had to get out of the cafeteria, out of the school. I ran from the room, my hat forgotten. All those people…that hot girl from my geometry class Morgan, my biology teacher Mr. Fink, my ex-girlfriend Jamie, the lunch-lady. I didn’t have to just leave the lunchroom; I had to leave the campus. Easy enough, since I only lived a few blocks away from the school. I went to my locker, got the books I needed (just because I was going to ditch didn’t mean I wanted missing assignments) and decided my one friend, Timothy, could give me the rest of my homework later. I ran out of the building, avoiding any wandering administrators. Fortunately, my school was easy to ditch, since there were no cameras, and not many teachers who wanted to spend their lunch watching the halls for pesky kids. Plus, the back door was always welcome to those who needed a small break from school during lunchtime. I was out of the main building in a flash. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I was still mortified about what happened in the cafeteria, and I was sure that was all anyone was talking about. I was so preoccupied, so wrapped up in my problems; I didn’t see the car headed my way. Neither did the driver, a young woman driving a truck, yakking on her cell phone. I heard the screech of wheels, saw the phone fly out of her open window, saw the terrified look in her wide eyes as she hit the brakes. Too late though. Next thing I was on the floor, she was calling 911, there were a herd of strangers around me, and some of them were students. I saw Tim rush to me. I felt Jamie take my hand. Then…nothing. yay? nay? okay? winner gets ten points (duh) and thanks!

Public Comments

1. Yay, only one thing "Next thing I was on the floor".......... shouldn't you be on the ground? I was really engrossed. I want to know what happens next.
2. Okay that is really really good I would read that. I liked it so much i didn't want you to stop, infact why did you!
3. You're doing a lot of telling and not showing. The readers are going to be able to infer more than you think. There are a few grammatical errors as well. Also, don't write, "#1, #2." Actually write out, "Number one. Number two." It looks lazy and cheap. I'm not a fan of your tense. I think you also switch it a few times when you're not supposed to.
4. Sounds great! Except one thing I would change is instead of saying guy #1 and guy #2 or whatever, say something like the guy with the big nose, or the greasy hair or something like that! but none the less, Awesome!
5. i like it
6. WOW!!! It was really good. It takes something really good to hook me and that did. I really want to know what happens next. The only thing I would change is instead of writing #1 and #2, I would actually write it out. But other than that good job.